Who am I kidding though, no one has any intention of reading this, my blog hasn’t seen an update in more than a year so why would anyone still be hopeful of me writing anything new now? HA!
Recently I’ve realized how screwed up my life has become... I was just looking through some of the people facebook has deemed I might know, and I noticed all the life successes that are all around me; everyone that I know and could potentially know, has one or more of the three things I noticed I don’t have and, for the most part, are also much younger than I am as well.
I don’t have any sort of successful type of job or anything close to resembling a career, I don’t have any discernible skills or nearly enough knowledge to obtain said job or career, and while I’ve thought about doing trades and Jentrie believes I could, I’ve never viewed myself as having enough energy (among other things) to do something like that.
As well, I’m not married and don’t have anything of the money to get married let alone the confusion of whether I want to spend whatever amount of money on the cultural symbolism I feel is already there.
And lastly but probably most annoyingly, I don’t have any children and have much confusion about that notion as well.
Obviously one thing bleeds into another creating one big clusterfuck; but honestly, recently I feel like a complete and utter failure. If was a rating of where the majority of the masses of people will eventually fall into, and a rating of how one person is doing compared to all of his or her peers, I think right now I wouldn’t even be out of the gate and just realizing it now, after this whole metaphorical horse race was over, like- a month ago.
My whole life I’ve always been behind the eight-ball. Hell, I was three weeks late in being born for Christ sake, but over this entire summer I’ve felt like I’m just realizing the eight-ball has just gotten so far away that it’s- well, it’s just not funny, and now I’m stuck trying to figure out where to go from here, fumbling in the dark like an idiot looking for the goddamn light switch across the room. I’ve always been slower and later than most- ALWAYS, but this is ridiculous, isn’t it?
That last point about children really is something I have mixed feelings about. I don’t know if everyone views it the same way as I do, I’ve always felt it was a kindof culmination of all your life’s achievements up to that particular point. That you should be satisfied enough with your state of being that you would be willing to almost stop progressing in your state of mind for this child or children. I mean, several of my friends and the people I know are starting to have children, and I adore them and the idea that they will experience, or have experienced, the joy that the child will bring them and they will bring the child.
Here’s a conclusion for you!-
I just don’t feel anything more than confused about my life right now. All the ambitions I’ve had are all things that I know without too much doubt just won’t pan out (or frankly, just too long and hard a journey to start now) and are better left to one day become hobbies, but with that said- I don’t know of anything that I would be willing and able to do to get me to think better about where I am right now, what I'm doing, and possibly to become more comfortable with the point in my life.
And without any ideas of where to go from this point, how can I entertain even the possibilities of any of the other ideas?
Iaminyourveins!
G-nome
